mood: =)
listening to: blessed SILENCE
last read: T's blog???? didnt know he had one. it's all philosophical and succinct. we are the definition of opposites attracting.
i had a mommy revelation yesterday. for the past 5 years, i have been trying to mold this little boy into being a good person. one who has ambitions, one who treats others with respect, one who knows God, one who shows kindness to others, one who knows he is loved by me and our God.
kindergarten has been hard for me. it is the first real scenario where there is a force working against me. granted, many great things have come out of his dive into the system. but he has also encountered the reality of disappointment, hurt feelings, and loss of control. i know he experienced those in some degree or another prior to school, but they were always situations in which i could remove him from, alter, or spin. such is not the case with his classroom environment. and i have struggled.
t and i have been wrestling with whether to take him out of public and put him into private--and we still dont have an answer. i would like to think that he would be more "protected" at the private school. i would like to think i would have more control of the situation. and maybe he would. maybe i would. i dont know.
but as i watched him walk into his K class yesterday morning, it occurred to me that he is going to experience pain, let down, frustration, conflict and powerlessness wherever he goes. and, likely, it will only get worse as he gets older. and from that i cannot completely protect him. my job in all this? not so much to make sure he performs well or to make sure he has an impeccable citizenship score. rather, to love him when he hurts. to be there for him when he is let down. to create a relationship and an environment that allows him to transparently lean on me and his father. and most importantly, to teach him and allow him to lean on the Lord when the day comes that my love, my good intentions, my teachings, my traditions, my goals, my hugs and kisses are not enough. and that day will come probably a lot sooner than i want to realize.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
