sooner or later

mood: =)
listening to: blessed SILENCE
last read: T's blog???? didnt know he had one. it's all philosophical and succinct. we are the definition of opposites attracting.

i had a mommy revelation yesterday. for the past 5 years, i have been trying to mold this little boy into being a good person. one who has ambitions, one who treats others with respect, one who knows God, one who shows kindness to others, one who knows he is loved by me and our God.

kindergarten has been hard for me. it is the first real scenario where there is a force working against me. granted, many great things have come out of his dive into the system. but he has also encountered the reality of disappointment, hurt feelings, and loss of control. i know he experienced those in some degree or another prior to school, but they were always situations in which i could remove him from, alter, or spin. such is not the case with his classroom environment. and i have struggled.

t and i have been wrestling with whether to take him out of public and put him into private--and we still dont have an answer. i would like to think that he would be more "protected" at the private school. i would like to think i would have more control of the situation. and maybe he would. maybe i would. i dont know.

but as i watched him walk into his K class yesterday morning, it occurred to me that he is going to experience pain, let down, frustration, conflict and powerlessness wherever he goes. and, likely, it will only get worse as he gets older. and from that i cannot completely protect him. my job in all this? not so much to make sure he performs well or to make sure he has an impeccable citizenship score. rather, to love him when he hurts. to be there for him when he is let down. to create a relationship and an environment that allows him to transparently lean on me and his father. and most importantly, to teach him and allow him to lean on the Lord when the day comes that my love, my good intentions, my teachings, my traditions, my goals, my hugs and kisses are not enough. and that day will come probably a lot sooner than i want to realize.

^{Deuteronomy 6:5-9 5} Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

alo, alo

mood: tired, but good
listening to: the computer hummmmm
last read: jenn's blog

it's been almost two months since my last post? sheesh. i was just a bit busy.

i hurt someone yesterday, and though we reconciled, it has created great cause for introspective blogging. in looking back at the last 8 months, i have learned a not so fun thing about myself. i say mean things--justifiably or not, they are still mean. i think i cloak it in claims to be constructive and helping others grow (which at times may be appropriate if done in a delicate, loving fashion), but have not matured to the point in recognizing when i need to just let things go. i do let a lot go (believe it or not), but i know i could let more go. i think it's such a fine line--maybe not. maybe that belief is why i hurt people. and it's ironic, because i am a sensitive person who takes people's words to heart. so you'd think i'd be uber careful with mine. and i am careful, just not uberly.

i regret hurting said person, and it tears me up inside, but i am glad that i am being shown this side of me. i like to think of myself as one who likes to grow and improve, but i also probably think too highly of myself to the point where it takes pain, catastrophe, my foot in my mouth or whatnot to have those areas in which i need to grow revealed. dont get me wrong, i know i have faults. i am really really bad at mailing things. i am really really bad at letting my inbox and voice messages pile up. but i am grateful that the Lord cares about me enough to let me go through refining trials and i am grateful to have people in my life who are forgiving.

rain

mood: heavy hearted
listening to: the rain
last read: emails

when it's rainy outside, everything changes. though the scenery is still the same--the sidewalks, the roads, the trees, the buildings--they are sheeted with dreariness. as is life right now. the scenery is still the same--the kids, the hubby, the house, the ministry, the friends--but it all feels a bit dreary. just like the rain comes for a season, be it a short spurt or the entirety of a month, i know this rain will pass. i just want the sunshine back.

why in the world...

was my alarmclock wrong?

mood: *grumble grumble*
listening to: the dryer
last read: facebook comments

we are going to mexico today! (yay!) we are all sick, sans noah. so we are banking on divine healing and sustenance for the weekend. anyway, set my alarm clock for the ungodly hour of 5 am. it went off like a good little alarm clock. i'm in the middle of conditioning my hair and Trevor comes in and says, "Is it really 4 right now?" and sure enough, the trusty little alarm clock was set to the wrong time. drats!

oh well. adios mi amigos.

friday

mood: foggy from a head cold
listening to: the clock tic-toc-tic-toc
last read: my fundraising page!

just dropped off jack with the inlaws so he doesnt have to go to Mexico with us. on my drive to and fro, i saw two humorous signs:

"Adult Kickball League" it contained contact info and i think a website. these signs were posted every couple hundred feet or so

"Adult flag football 5 on 5" this sign was on the opposite side of the freeway and was a completely different association than the kickball league.

just thought it was funny.

maybe i should start an adult dodgeball league. (that's trevor's joke...)

Ohhhh Mexico

mood: humored
listeing to: Joni Mitchell
last read: directions to the orphanage in mexico that trevor, noah, myself and 117 other RCCers are going to this weekend.

i laughed at these directions:

Take the I-5 to the Mexican border south of San Diego at the Tijuana crossing.

After you cross the border, follow the signs to the Ensenada/Rosarito Toll Road - also called the scenic route (very well marked).

About 45 min. from the border & 20 min. past the second toll booth you will see the Hotel. Take the off ramp in front of the Hotel and turn left.

You are now heading south on the "free" road. About 4 miles south you will drop into a canyon and see the town of *** and a large bridge. Just before the bridge, turn left onto a dirt road.

TheOrphanage is 1½ miles (2 km) up the dirt road. Drive carefully and have a great trip!

what the heck are we getting ourselves into?!?! gotta love it?

friday!

mood: superb
listening to: summertime by brianna taylor. it's my current "it" song. the lyrics are totally un-applicable to my life, but i can't get past the voice and the melody. music man, it sure makes the world go round for me.
last read: kimi's blog

been a long week--three meetings, two church-y events. poor little jack jack was in the nursery i think 4 or 5 times this week already and we have two more to go =(. i am so looking forward to simplifying. just gotta fulfill some commitments first.

had a conversation with a friend last night that made me sad at society and our trend to progress towards as little human interaction as possible. (i laugh at myself expressing this on a blog!) anyway, an unfortunate event occurred over "texting" and it left me thinking, really? seriously? how many more times will people be hurt over convenience? i know i am not innocent in this. but it made me more aware.

gotta go get the kiddo! happy friday to you all!

Oy Vay

mood: peachy keen jelly bean
listening to: noah play wii bowling
last read: online posting about how to deal with a 15 month old who hits and throw

it has begun-- we have to actually start parenting and molding jack instead of merely maintaining life and health. trevor got a talking to as he picked up jack from the nursery after church tonight. jack, and i believe every word of it, was throwing toys at and hitting the other kids. =(. not fair. surely i thought we had a good three months until we had to kick into legitimate parent mode.


this one. this baby jack jack is going to do me in. i know it. but i couldn't love him any more!

here i am

mood: good
listening to: trevor play "in my life" on his gee-tar.
last read: alliwoo's comment about me being sucked into the abyss--the answer is yes!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2009 is gonna be good. i can feel it. we rang in the new year with our family of friends. a good time had by all.

Christmas was great. i hosted for the first time ever. i felt like i was doing dishes for a week straight. it was great to have the house filled with family. we got a wii from my mom! i can rock mariokart like no one's biznaz! ok... not really, but i was addicted for a couple days.

the best part of the holidays was taking time off from responsibility! (other than the whole wife and mother thing.) it was rejeuventating to focus on my boys, the season, family and friends.

but alas, life goes on and responsibility creeps back to my doorstep. i have a great peace about it all though. i know Who is in control and my role and responsibility in it all ("it all" being the near future--who knows whats way ahead?!?!?) i am looking forward to getting back into a bible study--just not sure which one yet.

anway... i think i am rambling, so i will bid you all adieu.

goodnight and goodluck!