would i?

mood: contemplative
listening to: paul simon
last read: tiffany's blog

so, this journey with noah has been schizophrenic--sometimes i am not worried at all, sometimes i can get panicy at the unknown, and sometimes i lay on the floor and cry at the energy and work it takes to persevere. all the while, i know my God is in control and i have to believe that there is purpose in all this.

 i have a firm faith and hard core belief that He does work ALL things together for the good of those who love Him. many times throughout my walk with Him, i have had to act on faith and accept that i would not necessarily see the good that trials bring. but it truly is the cry of my heart to bring Him glory and praise. and through this noah ordeal, i have pleaded and purposed that i not miss the opportunities He sets before me to do so.

and today, i am so blessed to see, in a relative short amount of time, the positive fruition of a devestating circumstance in my life, bring glory to the Almighty--and i am in awe. i have a friend, who is not really a close friend or someone i see very often at all, find out about noah's situation. she sought me out for a lunch date and poured out her own struggle with her husband's seizure disorder. we were able to commiserate on the fears and anxiety of our situations. later, i came home and emailed her my "go to" verse that has kept me solid(ish) throughout this experience. it was a little bit of a leap of faith, because i know she is not a church going woman, and hasn't ever really expressed a hunger for a relationship with the Lord. she emailed back and poured out her heart regarding her desire to get her faith life back on track. i gave her some resources and let her know she was welcome to come to church with us anytime.

in the mean time, i have been digging deep within my heart and asking the question, "is it worth it?" i mean, i say i want to bring Him glory at any cost, but is noah's situation worth it to bring this woman to the heart and love of the Lord? would i do it all over again, knowing that this was the outcome? it was a hard thing to ask of myself, and ashamedly, i dabbled between yes and no. then, today, i received another email from her about how she has been seeking Him and really focusing on laying her burden at His feet and has in the last week, had the opportunity to share her heart with another friend going through a rough situation. she's been praying with the girl and was even able to help the other girl when she posed the question, "How do I pray?"

when i read that email, my soul shouted a resounding "yes!" i would do it over again. it breaks my heart to watch noah walk this walk and not knowing what the future holds for his health can be  scary. however, in light of these women coming to a place of fellowship with Jesus Christ, and the earthly and eternal implications  of their surrender, how could i not do it over again? i look forward to the day when he asks the question, "why me?" and i can answer him with specific names and situations. not everyone is so blessed to have those answers, but i thank God and am humbled before Him that He has given me that insight.

letting go

mood: peaceful
listening: in your freedom by hillsong
last read: directions from scripps clinic to UTC

8 years go when i found out i was pregnant with noah, it was the hardest thing i had ever gone through. plans and dreams were dashed with the appearance of a second pink line. God took me on a journey through that time that refocused my whole mindset on my plan vs. his plan. i had to let go of countless things, but was ushered into a whole new exciting, exhilarating, eye opening, humbling, indescribable season of life. i do not regret that journey at all.

fast foward 8 years and he is taking us on a whole new journey. again--not one i planned, but one that based on past experience and hard core truth of his Word, i know in my heart of hearts is bound to be filled with some of the same excitement, enlightenment and definitely, a new dose of humbleness.

noah's seizure disorder prognosis was recently changed from "he will probably grow out of this" to "he probably won't." my heart broke all over again. a million questions flooded my mind-- will he ever drive? will he ever be able to live on his own? what if it gets worse? what psychological effects is this going to have on my baby?

almost as soon as all those questions arose, i reminded myself and redirected my thinking towards the truth. "God made him. God made him with these seizures. God will take care of him. God has a perfect plan, how can i argue." this thought train last about three days and then the reality of my baby being broken set in. i was never mad at God, but definitely had my "this is not fair!" moments. i mourned the loss of a typical road for my child. trevor and i have never been parents that demand our kids fit into a mold, but this was not a mold i was ok with. it breaks my heart to watch him struggle daily and know that it's likely that this will be his cross to bear for a long while.. and it is not fair. it's not. but, it is perfect, in His way. it is.

through a lot of prayer, tears, advice, and worship music, i am back to my first line of thinking. i cannot phathom how it is possible, but the Lord has given us a peace about our son--his son. over my christian years, ive heard so often the phrase, "they're not my kids, they're just on loan from God." i agreed, but i never experienced the truth of that statement so vividly as i do now. no matter how many books i read, disciplines i instill, structures i set up, environments i manipulate, advice i give, hugs i offer--i do not have control. and i have to trust, and i do, that God is in control and has a plan for this little boy. a couple years ago i began to pray, "protect my children Lord, but not from your glory." and now i wait in anticipation to see Him glorified through this journey of ours. i will continue to pray daily and fervently for noah's healing, but am also committed to keeping my eyes open for alternate ways He has designed to bless us and others. i do not want to miss His glory in the midst of my own sorrow and insistence on my own "best laid plans."

my verse since day one of his diagnosis has been Pslam 91:1-2. i clung to it when we didn't know if he had any tumors. i clung to it while he was put under for various tests, and i will cling to it daily as we navigate this.

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
   my God, in whom I trust.”


i trust You.