listening: in your freedom by hillsong
last read: directions from scripps clinic to UTC
8 years go when i found out i was pregnant with noah, it was the hardest thing i had ever gone through. plans and dreams were dashed with the appearance of a second pink line. God took me on a journey through that time that refocused my whole mindset on my plan vs. his plan. i had to let go of countless things, but was ushered into a whole new exciting, exhilarating, eye opening, humbling, indescribable season of life. i do not regret that journey at all.
fast foward 8 years and he is taking us on a whole new journey. again--not one i planned, but one that based on past experience and hard core truth of his Word, i know in my heart of hearts is bound to be filled with some of the same excitement, enlightenment and definitely, a new dose of humbleness.
noah's seizure disorder prognosis was recently changed from "he will probably grow out of this" to "he probably won't." my heart broke all over again. a million questions flooded my mind-- will he ever drive? will he ever be able to live on his own? what if it gets worse? what psychological effects is this going to have on my baby?
almost as soon as all those questions arose, i reminded myself and redirected my thinking towards the truth. "God made him. God made him with these seizures. God will take care of him. God has a perfect plan, how can i argue." this thought train last about three days and then the reality of my baby being broken set in. i was never mad at God, but definitely had my "this is not fair!" moments. i mourned the loss of a typical road for my child. trevor and i have never been parents that demand our kids fit into a mold, but this was not a mold i was ok with. it breaks my heart to watch him struggle daily and know that it's likely that this will be his cross to bear for a long while.. and it is not fair. it's not. but, it is perfect, in His way. it is.
through a lot of prayer, tears, advice, and worship music, i am back to my first line of thinking. i cannot phathom how it is possible, but the Lord has given us a peace about our son--his son. over my christian years, ive heard so often the phrase, "they're not my kids, they're just on loan from God." i agreed, but i never experienced the truth of that statement so vividly as i do now. no matter how many books i read, disciplines i instill, structures i set up, environments i manipulate, advice i give, hugs i offer--i do not have control. and i have to trust, and i do, that God is in control and has a plan for this little boy. a couple years ago i began to pray, "protect my children Lord, but not from your glory." and now i wait in anticipation to see Him glorified through this journey of ours. i will continue to pray daily and fervently for noah's healing, but am also committed to keeping my eyes open for alternate ways He has designed to bless us and others. i do not want to miss His glory in the midst of my own sorrow and insistence on my own "best laid plans."
my verse since day one of his diagnosis has been Pslam 91:1-2. i clung to it when we didn't know if he had any tumors. i clung to it while he was put under for various tests, and i will cling to it daily as we navigate this.
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most Highwill rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
i trust You.
